


In Which Clint is Naked...Again (Or Why Natasha Hates Everything)

by weird_situation



Series: In Which Loki's Shenanigans Give Fury a Headache [6]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-14
Updated: 2014-05-14
Packaged: 2018-01-24 20:33:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1616156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weird_situation/pseuds/weird_situation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha's fifteen feet tall, Clint's three inches tall, and Steve's three feet tall.</p>
<p>It's not a good day for them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Clint is Naked...Again (Or Why Natasha Hates Everything)

**Author's Note:**

> ...so apparently I'm posting again.
> 
> I've actually had the majority of this written for ages, but never got around to finishing it up.
> 
> Sorry about that.

“I am three fucking inches tall! How could this be worse?” yelled Clint from his place on Darcy’s hand. They were at a SHIELD safehouse in the woods; they needed somewhere isolated to keep Natasha from killing someone after Loki’s latest transformation. 

“Well you don’t have boobs this time,” she replied with a grin.

Clint would pout if she didn’t have a point. He shook his finger at her anyway and sat down with a huff.

And really. Clint could have it worse. He could be fifteen feet tall like Natasha. She wasn’t a happy camper at all. All the ceilings at the safehouse were eight feet high, so being seven feet taller than that wasn’t exactly conducive to staying indoors.

Luckily they’d sent Tony home. Natasha would probably squish Tony by “accident” if he kept annoying her. The man was entirely too smug about not being affected by Loki’s spell.

“Aww there he is!” Darcy cooed as Steve entered the kitchen.

He was three feet tall and since Darcy was in charge of finding clothing, Steve was dressed in a kids’ Captain America shirt. And socks. And shoes. Steve had drawn the line at underwear and not even Darcy’s epic pout of doom could get Steve to give in. 

And no, Darcy was not sulking, Clint, shut the fuck up.

Still, it was highly disconcerting to see Steve’s muscles strain against the child sized clothing he was wearing. Darcy wasn’t really sure what to think about it all.

Only Clint, Natasha, and Steve had been affected. They’d been out for lunch while Thor was on a romantic getaway with Jane, Bruce was in his lab doing something Darcy wasn’t sure she wanted to know about if Coulson’s eye twitch was anything to go by, and Tony was marathoning robot movies with Dummy because the robot had been feeling neglected.

Darcy had been supposed to go with them, but Coulson found out she’d been making a junior agent fill out her requisition forms and was punishing her. With paperwork she didn’t even know existed. And her paperwork horizons had expanded a lot in the past year she’d been Coulson’s assistant.

That man was terrifying when it came to filling out reports.

(Also with weapons. But Darcy tended not to see that side of Coulson often because he liked to leave her with Fury when he went to go supervise Avengers’ missions. Fury wished Coulson would stop doing that.)

“So who’s looking for a cure?” asked Steve. He didn’t sound too optimistic about the possibility of being returned to regular size any time soon.

“Uh. No one?” 

Natasha’s face blocked the window and Darcy smothered a scream at the sudden boom of her voice.

“And why is no one looking for a cure?”

“Because Loki did it? And that means it’ll wear off soon enough because the little shit gets bored with his tricks?” Darcy shrugged. “I think Fury’s tired of wasting resources on looking for a way to get you guys back to normal because it never takes a huge amount of time and you always turn back anyways so there’s really no need to worry.”

“Except for the one time it doesn’t wear off,” said Natasha darkly as she backed away from the window. She was irritated that Bruce had managed to get out of this transformation. Considering the man had the most experience in changing size, it’d be nice of him to offer some advice at least. Apparently being the regular sized one for once made him a dick. Natasha would appreciate that more if she wasn’t affected.

Clint snorted. “This is fucking ridiculous. Steve is the only one with clothes and Natasha can’t fit inside and I sound like Mickey Mouse. I intend to have strong words with Loki next time I see him. And by words I mean exploding arrows to his face.”

Clint was right, though. Natasha had a large piece of fabric that she’d fashioned into a toga of sorts, but Clint kept tripping on the bit of cloth Darcy had handed him, so he’d decided wandering around naked was the better option. Darcy wasn’t in agreement, since his butt was on her hand, but even though Clint was tiny, he still bit like a fucking vampire. So Darcy gave in. For now. She had plans that involved a Barbie, a video camera, and youtube.

X-tube if Clint kept being such a little shit.

“I want sushi,” said Steve after poking through the fridge. It was stocked with all sorts of SHIELD approved food, but that didn’t mean it was Avengers approved. The opposite in fact.

“Well considering the closest town is thirty minutes away, I’d say you’re outta luck. Unless you want to call Stark back out here to bring you some?” Darcy raised an eyebrow.

Steve frowned. Bringing Tony back out would probably be a horrible idea. He’d lost Clint in the woods and it took them three hours to find the miniature archer. He had ended up in a bird’s nest.

They were never going to let him live that down.

“Could we ask Coulson?” asked Steve hopefully.

Darcy rolled her eyes and pulled out her phone and hit speed dial number two. “Yo, bossman.”

Everyone could hear Coulson’s sigh over the phone. “Yes?”

“We require sustenance. Of the sushi variety. Send a minion with enough to feed the size challenged trio. Although Clint will probably need like half a piece to fill his tiny widdle tummy.”

Darcy dropped Clint on the counter before he could bite her again.

Coulson agreed to send someone out with food and ordered them not to kill each other. It was an order that needed repeating in situations such as this, especially when Darcy was babysitting.

“Food is on the way. Coulson says strangling, stabbing, otherwise maiming and/or killing each other is still a no-no. So all the fun things have been banned.”

Steve frowned at her and she shrugged; she had embraced her violent nature when she’d been forced to move in with the team. There was only so many times she could stand having her Dr. Pepper stolen.

*

They’d demolished the sushi that had been sent out with a junior agent (who looked like he was going to pee himself when he saw Natasha hold out a hand for her food), and were still waiting for the flash of light that would mean they were back to normal.

Seventeen hours later, they were still waiting.

“Okay I may call Stark out here just so I’m not bored anymore,” Clint said from his perch on top of the refrigerator.

It spoke to how bored the others were that they didn’t even make a token protest and Darcy actually dialed Tony’s number.

“Are you guys finally back to normal?” Tony asked, foregoing greetings for answers.

“Nope,” said Darcy. “Come entertain us.”

“Do I have to?”

Steve pulled the phone away from Darcy and replied, “Yes. Otherwise we may have to resort to asking Clint and Darcy stories about what you three get up to when you sequester yourselves away.”

Clint started shaking his head furiously; Steve rolled his eyes at him.

Natasha just stared impassively at them through the window.

“Fiiiiiiine.” Tony hung up without saying goodbye.

“You know all we really do is watch cheesy supernatural dramas,” Darcy said. “Tony’s totally a Damon girl.”

“I don’t even know what that means,” Steve said.

“Clint’s more a Sabrina fan. He likes the talking cat,” continued Darcy.

“You know the reason Stark is coming out here is so you wouldn’t tell Steve about what you three do? You’re defeating the purpose of Steve’s threat,” Natasha said.

“Salem is the shit, don’t even start!” burst out Clint at the same time.

Darcy shrugged. “If Tony didn’t want you guys to know he wouldn’t have invited me to join him and Clint.”

“She does have a point,” Clint said as he started figuring out a way down from the refrigerator.

Natasha watched with an eyebrow raised as Clint took a deep breath and took a running leap off the fridge into Darcy’s hair.

“Motherfucking ow!” Darcy managed to stop herself before she squished Clint into her head, but it was a close call. She plucked him none too gently out of her hair and put him on the counter. “I am going to kill you.”

“But you looove me,” Clint sing songed.

Steve sighed as Darcy picked Clint up and put him inside the toaster oven, thankfully leaving it unplugged, and shut the door. Laughing, Natasha backed away from the window and leaned against the house. She was going to relish being her regular height again. And shoot Loki extra hard next time they saw him. For now, she just listened to Clint’s indignant squawks and the sound of the Iron Man suit getting closer.

“So, I see you’re still the giant woman. Really unfortunate,” Tony said as he landed next to Natasha, faceplate retracting.

She bared her teeth at him in a vicious grin. 

He took a step back.

“I’m going to go inside where I will be the tallest person for once.”

Natasha smirked at his back and proceeded to look in the window again for the sole pleasure of scaring the fuck out of Tony when he walked by and saw her.

It was the little things that made a person happy when they were three times their normal size.

“We should go fly around the woods again,” Clint said first thing as Tony walked into the kitchen.

“How about no? I refuse to go searching for your tiny ass again when you inevitably get lost somewhere.” Darcy crossed her arms and glared at Clint who was now sitting comfortably on Tony’s shoulder.

Apparently the cold of Tony’s armor didn’t phase his bare ass.

“We can give him a GPS chip and make sure he holds on really really tight,” wheedled Tony, already handing a small device to Clint.

Steve rubbed a hand over his face. “Just so everyone’s clear: I am in no way, shape, or form taking responsibility for whatever happens out there.”

“Aye aye, Captain.” Tony saluted Steve.

Darcy rolled her eyes and looked out the window to share a commiserating look with Natasha. Then she waved a hand at the two men, and they took off.

“Want a milkshake? I think it’s time for milkshakes,” Darcy said decisively. And fuck if she wasn’t going to make one big enough for Natasha. She sent Coulson a request for a metric fuckton of ice cream.

He didn’t even question it, just sent back a Will do and Darcy liked to think he was appreciative of her efforts to keep the wonky sized Avengers happy, but he was probably in the middle of a battle to the death with some paperwork and didn’t even want to know why she needed ice cream.

She resolved to make him a milkshake when they went home.

*

Clint was sitting on Tony’s head as they flew close to the ground back towards the safehouse. Tony was just about to land at Natasha’s feet when there was a bright burst of light and the addition of Clint’s weight to Tony’s head caused the pair to tumble onto the ground, almost taking Natasha out with them.

Tony’s face was mashed into Clint’s crotch, and they were made aware of this when they heard Darcy and Steve laughing, and then the unmistakable sound of Darcy taking a picture.

“Please keep that off the internet,” Clint said as he pushed Tony off of him before flopping back down. 

Tony flipped the faceplate up and glared at Darcy.

“Why would I post it on the internet when I can send it to Coulson and Pepper?” Darcy grinned as she held up her phone with the message sent screen displayed. “Plus Coulson likes to forward things of this nature to Fury. I think he hopes one day Fury will take pity on him and give you guys a new handler.”

“Never gonna happen,” said Clint. He groaned and then sat up with Natasha’s help. Somehow she’d managed to keep her makeshift toga wrapped around her, despite its size. Clint ripped off a section to wrap around his waist so he could pretend he had some modesty left.

Steve thanked Clint profusely when he handed him another ripped off section of Natasha’s toga. The tattered shreds of his three foot high self’s clothing were just pathetic against all his regular sized muscles.

“So, uh. This might be a bad time to mention I forgot to pack you guys clothes,” Darcy said, picking at her fingernails intently.

Tony’s howl of laughter was abruptly cut off as Natasha punched him in the face.


End file.
